Nerd Romance —Nothing to See Here, Nothing Going On

“There’s no one to blame but me. I should have provided more guidance to the horny dorks with the raging hormones.”

Photo by Caspar Rae on Unsplash

This is yet another chapter in a series I “finished” last year, but my characters kept talking to me. Then Roz Warren convinced me into fill out the series into a book, so now I’m working on that. Most of what I’ve been doing lately has been filling in gaps or adding to existing material, but this chapter felt like it could stand without the reader having just finished the one before.

Short summary of the story to date:

The series covers two academic over-achievers with limited social skills (aka “nerds”) in the last semester of their junior year in high school in the 1970s. They call each other by their initials, so she is “E” and he is “K.” They were engaged in a “practice” relationship, working from an agreed upon list of goals, trying to learn to be more like regular people before they head off to college. Both kids agreed that this is a mutually beneficial partnership, and not in any way a romantic association.

Which worked really well. Until it didn’t.

They arranged a clandestine camping trip, during which they planned to have sex. The planned beautiful spring night actually was cold, wet, and awful, so while they did admit to falling in love with each other and shared a sleeping bag, that’s as far as things got. They also decided that the “practice” part of the practice relationship was over, and they were going to be actual boyfriend and girlfriend. That fell apart for a few days, and then everything came together and so did they, having sex in the guest room at K’s house while his parents were out of town. On a school night. So there was a frantic rush to get E home before anyone got suspicious. Didn’t quite work; E’s dad figured it out immediately, and when K got home he found his sister had covered up the “crime scene” so their parents wouldn’t suspect.

So now the kids just have to act like nothing has happened, and everything is basically the same as before. Basically.

There was a knock on the bedroom door. Before anyone responded — E was stretched out on K’s bed, face down, while K was massaging her back with a rubber ball — the door opened and Jenn stepped her foot in. “So why is Fritzi sitting in the hall staring at your d — ” K’s sister stopped her question as what she was seeing penetrated. She looked up at the ceiling and said, mostly to herself, “Really, there’s no one to blame but me. I’m the legal adult, I should have provided more guidance to the horny dorks with the raging hormones.”

E raised her head from where her face had been buried in K’s pillow and fumbled for her glasses. “Jenn? What’s up? Anything wrong?” What did she think we were doing in here?

K also looked at his sister with a puzzled expression. “We had the door shut because Fritzi kept trying to get her ball back.” Hearing her name, the dog entered the room from behind Jenn, sat down next to where K was sitting on the bed, and cocked her head with a significant look at the ball in her master’s hand. “Not yet, Fritzi, just a few more minutes.”

Jenn covered her face with her hands. “You do realize that Mom and Dad could be home any minute, right? And could walk in to find you two? Doing… y’know, I don’t want to know, it might just be easier if I can plead ignorance and leave it at that.”

The Princess Bitch can be so melodramatic at times! “K was just giving me a back rub, what’s the — ”

Jenn snorted. “Props, your shirt is rolled up, your bra is undone, your pants are unzipped, and I can see your butt crack. I know you two were not actually screwing — this time — but even Mom would flip if she saw this!”

“This was actually Mom’s idea!” K protested. He then appeared to think for a second. “Well, kind of.”

“HA! I really don’t think so, Master Dork! Even our open-minded mother is not that open of mind!” She gestured at E. “Props, please get dressed. This is just embarrassing.”

I am dressed, thank you, but fine, whatever. E rolled onto her back and started zipping up her pants.

“No no,” objected her brother, “remember when Mom said I needed to be more supportive of E during her period? Back rubs can really help, especially lower back! And hot water bottles!” K held up said item, which sloshed slightly. “But it wasn’t very comfortable for her to lay on the bottle while I went over her back with the ball.”

“You used Fritzi’s ball?” Jenn addressed the ceiling again. “This gets worse and worse.”

“It’s hard rubber! I washed it first.” Deciding it was no longer needed, K tossed the ball into the hallway and Fritzi took off after it. There was the sound of something hard bouncing down the stairs with a scramble of feet following after.

E had rolled back onto her front, but was having trouble with her bra. “Little help, honey?” she asked K, who fastened the hooks for her and helped pull her shirt down. E swung her legs around and sat up on the bed next to her boyfriend. He took her hand. E side-commented to K, “Thanks, hon, that really did help! I feel a lot better.” She explained to his sister, “See, the hard ball was really good as a massager, and I needed to loosen my pants so he could get to my lower back, and then he was working on my upper back but my bra was in the way. It was all…” Fine. Totally fine. So why is Jenn suddenly acting like my mother?

Jenn threw up her hands. “Okay, I give up. For a second, I was afraid you might be following one of Mom’s other inappropriate cramp relief suggestions — ”

“Oh, you mean masturbation? Yes, she mentioned that to me.” At K’s shocked expression, she explained, “When I was seeing her for help with my cramps. At school, in the nurse’s office. Before we started practice dating. No, it’s okay honey, it really is a thing, they suggest it in Our Bodies, Ourselves also.” She queried Jenn, “Have you read that? It’s really good. I can loan you my copy. I’m trying to get your brother to read it, but he’s convinced it’s a sex book, or something. It’s not, really. Well, not quite, anyway, there’s — anyway, it’s a good book.”

“Um, yes, I have, and, ah, no, I was thinking of something else, which, come to think of it, is also mentioned in the book as an aid for cramps.” She gave E a pointed look. “Which, I’m sorry, I am not going to spell out in front of my baby bro. If you know what I mean.”

Oh! Manual sex? Ah… At K’s unspoken question in his expression, she whispered, “I’ll explain it later!” and gave his hand a squeeze.

“Okay, small, tiny favor to ask of you two.” Jenn clasped her hands in mock supplication. “Could you both, I dunno, keep it in your pants — or keep your pants on, as applicable — for, I dunno, until late summer when I head to college? Or even just wait until after my graduation when you have all summer to plan your little horny get-togethers? And I won’t have to answer any ‘what did you know and when did you know it’ questions from Mom and Dad. I will even leave you all my secret ways in and out of the house and best places to meet that are within walking distance. And best places to park where you won’t be disturbed at night. Please?”

What is that smell? Perfume? E doesn’t do perfume. Or… E did not do perfume before we had sex and got into a real relationship. Doesn’t make sense, though, why would she put on perfume when we’re trying to study? It’s distracting enough just having her behind me where I can’t see her. K shifted himself so that he was sitting up better with his back leaning on E’s bed, sitting on her floor with his textbook in his lap and his unopened note binder next to him. Behind him, he heard and felt his girlfriend stir slightly on the bed. I bet she smells even better close up. She’s wearing her dad’s old sweatshirt, that thing is incredibly soft, it’s just like an invitation to hug her. What’s sexier than an old sweatshirt? Well, no sweatshirt, I guess, if there’s nothing underneath it. Is she wearing anything underneath it? I don’t remember feeling anything underneath when I hugged her when I got here. But I wasn’t really checking. I could hug her again. What excuse would I use? Wait, why do I need an excuse? We hug all the time, now. The sweatshirt is a little oversized for her, I bet it would come off really easy. She has wonderful breasts. Oh man, why did I have to think of her breasts, now my erection is uncomfortable as hell! Should I excuse myself for the bathroom? I’m gonna have to, no way to rearrange myself discretely. “Um, E, I — ” He turned his head to face his girlfriend and found her staring intently at his head while she gnawed her pencil. She quickly looked down at her textbook, then looked up with an attempt at an innocent expression that failed utterly.

“Mmmm-hmmh?” she murmured questioningly.

“I just need to, um…” She is definitely wearing something! “When did you start wearing perfume?”

“What? Where — okay, this is Tuesday, so that would be… never. Why do you think I’m wearing perfume?” She sniffed herself. “Oh! It’s the sweatshirt. Mom must have borrowed it last. Sorry, I was in a hurry to find something warm to wear, I pulled it out of the closet, Mom must not have washed it yet.”

“Yeah, I saw you had changed clothes. You look…” Incredibly sexy! “Really nice. Um, comfortable, you look comfortable. Huggable. In that sweatshirt. And shorts. Wait, if you’re cold, why did you put on shorts?”

“I… okay, this sounds stupid, I know, don’t laugh, but I almost — I wanted to put on a skirt. Something that… you could touch my legs… slide your hands up my legs… as far as you wanted… I shaved them Sunday…” Her breathing was getting labored. There was a sudden car noise from the street, coming through her open window. It seemed to alert her. “Dad. Dad will be home soon. My father will be home. Or my mother, either one, parents will be home. Home soon.”

The two looked at each other. We’re both thinking the same thing, but nobody wants to be the one to say it first. “E, we need to just say it. Okay?”

“Okay.” She took a deep breath.

“I really want to make love — ”

“We can’t study alone ri — ”

“Wait! You don’t want to have sex with me?!”

“No, doofus, I want to have sex with you so bad I can’t think of anything else! Not with you right in front of me! But we can’t do it tonight!” She closed her textbook and notebook. “You need to get out of here. Before we do something incredibly stupid. Jenn was right, we’re too horny to trust ourselves.”

“Wait, girls get horny? I thought — ”

“Let me guess, guys get horny, girls just go along with it because we want to make you happy?”

“No, I — well, yes, kind of, but — I thought, with your period and all — ”

“Boys are so stupid! Look, are you going to pack your stuff, or do I need to do it for you?”

Okay, okay! K put his books and note binder in his backpack. “You’re throwing me out?”

“You’ve been here half an hour. Supposedly studying. How much do you remember? What period of history were you reading about? Well?”

I have no idea. “Um, it was the, um, colonial expansion, um, era, of — ”

“You had your chemistry book in your lap, doofus. Point made? Out!”

K put on his backpack and stood there for several seconds. E gave him a firm and sustained push through her bedroom door, turned him to face left, and marched him down the stairs. He opened the front door, then turned to face her. She turned him back to the door. “No. No good night kiss, no goodbye hug, if you give me so much as a firm handshake I swear I will knock you to the ground and take you by force. Bye, K, see you at school tomorrow. And here’s Mom, home early, so we just dodged that bullet!”

Her mother pulled into the driveway, getting out of their car as K came down their front steps. “Is everything okay? Why is he leaving already? Did you two have a fight?”

“Ah, yes Mom! Well, no, it’s — ”

“It’s a practice fight, Mrs. W., we are supposed to practice resolving conflict and making up. It’s on the list.” K looked at E. Back me up, honey!

“Yes! It’s okay, Mom, it’s not a real fight, we’re just practicing. He snor — ”

“She chews her pencils!” K gave her a warning stare. You were NOT about to say I snore, you idiot! I know I do, but —

“Let me finish, please! He snorts when he laughs, it’s very annoying, I keep telling him to fix it but he won’t.” E crossed her arms and glared at K. From her position at the top of the steps, the effect was highly dramatic.

Don’t laugh, don’t laugh, don’t laugh, she’s doing really well. K drew himself up and put on an expression that he hoped conveyed a man unjustly accused. “Well, FINE, then! Then I, madam, am leaving right now!” He executed an abrupt turn, took two steps, and looked over his shoulder. “G’night, Mrs. W.! See you later.” He resumed his march down the front walk, taking what he hoped were majestic strides. Take that, E, I can too act!

“Good night!” E’s mom called after him. As she went up the front stairs into the house, she patted her daughter on the shoulder. “I’m glad, honey, Even if I don’t always understand what’s going on with these practice things, you two make a nice couple. I’m going to start dinner.” She proceeded into the house.

Once the older woman was safely inside and K had gotten into his car, E sent a sympathetic expression in K’s direction, put both hands over her heart, and mouthed, “I LOVE YOU” at him.

He rolled down the window and mouthed a silent, “I LOVE YOU TOO” back at her, then blew her a kiss. She “caught” it and put her hands back over her heart, then watched as he drove down the street. Once he was out of sight, she went inside.

Well, it’s not like we won’t have all summer. And all senior year! Patience, patience is all, plenty of time coming up after finals. She just looked so incredibly sexy in that — no, idiot, driving, focus on driving, wait until you get home. K finished the drive home and pulled into their driveway. I wonder if I can call her tonight. Jenn isn’t tying up the phone like she used to, and if I use the one in Dad’s den there won’t be anybody to hear us with the door shut. That should work…

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Jack Herlocker

Jack Herlocker

Husband & retiree. Developer, tech writer, & IT geek. I fill what’s empty, empty what’s full, and scratch where it itches. Occasionally do weird & goofy things.