Let’s see if I can do this better when I’m not having an anxiety attack in the middle of the work day.
tl;dr: My mother-in-law died last week, and it turns out that I’m having more problems with that (and other things) than I suspected. I will be minimizing my use of Medium for the foreseeable future.
My wife snores. Not very much. It’s rare that I even hear her, unless she’s fallen asleep on my shoulder and snoring into my ear.
Interesting thing I’ve found, though: sometimes her snores sound just like my mother-in-law in her last few hours of life, struggling to breathe. Apparently this will freak me out from a sound sleep.
I watched Mom die a week ago tomorrow night. Sat there and watched her die. She was in a hospice facility, so that’s how it’s supposed to work. When someone is committed to hospice care, someone you love, someone with whom you’ve spent more time in the last couple decades than you have your own mother, you get to sit there with them and watch them die. That’s why she’s there. That’s why I was there.
So my wife, Deb, is back home full time now, for the first time since September (when she essentially moved in with Mom to take care of her after the cancer diagnosis), and that’s great, and I am very happy about it, but it means seven months of living-alone habits get unlearned and sometimes it’s the little things that bite me in the ass.
I guess my point is, it’s been a somewhat stressful week. And I’ve been a tad under-slept/over-caffeinated.
I have trouble communicating with people sometimes. I say things that upset them without meaning to. Sometimes I can fix it; sometimes I make it worse. Sometimes when I make it worse I get very anxious. Often when I get very anxious I make it worse.
So last week I upset someone on Medium with a comment I made, and they reacted, and I tried to make it better and only fucked up worse, and I was getting anxious just opening Medium because I didn’t know how many more people I had upset, and then I had a meltdown and just deleted everything that might possibly have ever upset anyone, and then got incoherent and babbled in other Medium comments. Some of which I also deleted. At one point I was at my desk at work on my lunch break, not wanting to check Medium but not wanting to leave someone upset at me without knowing about it, and what I really wanted to do — really, really wanted — was to crawl under my desk and curl up in a ball and hide. Only that’s hard to explain in an office with three other people, and I need this job, so in the end I decided that I would not do that. And I did not.
Anyway, this is why I think it would be a good idea for me not to be active on Medium. So I am not reading anything on Medium; I am not posting any comments; I am not replying to any comments people leave for me (other than this one, obviously). I may post another article or two in the future — I have a Part I article I need to finish, if only so our niece has a complete story — but if I post anything on Medium it will be about nice things. Puppies and rainbows. No one gets upset when people talk about rainbows.
I will miss some of the people. I will miss my Jennifers, Jennifer Smith and Jennifer Brown, although Jennifer Smith, like Kel Campbell, has vanished from Medium and all her stories are gone. (I do not plan to vanish and delete all my stories. Although if I find a place where I feel safe, I may move my stories there. Then I will vanish, too.) I will miss Heather Nann and Gutbloom and j.s.lamb and H. Nemesis Nyx and Ellie Guzman and JoJo Magno and Alexainie and Lizella Prescott and others.
I apologize in advance if I have upset anyone, and I am very sorry for that.