I swear I will help fund these if they show up on Kickstarter
Seriously, somebody! Opportunity alert!
I want one of those automated external defibrillators. But for brains, not hearts. I want something sitting on the wall so I can walk over, pull out the unit, slap the monitor probe on someone’s head, find out if the EEG shows any signs of mental activity, yell “CLEAR!” and press the big red button to bring them back to some semblance of minimum human thought.
I want an embedded unit like Implantable Cardiac Defibrillators, only it gives a shock to someone’s tender body portion whenever they say something incredibly stupid. And I’d throw in an extra hundred bucks if it comes with a remote override.
I want a bright light to come on overhead, spotlighting the offender when they say something stupid, and a deep booming voice that says, “So! Want to try that one again?”
I want the law changed so that shooting someone found to be (effectively) brain dead is the same as defiling a corpse, or discharging a firearm in a public place — couple years in the pen; time off for good behavior; no minimum sentences; real easy to arrange a plea bargain. [What, Kickstarter doesn’t do legislative initiatives? Is that, like, a rule, or just nobody’s tried it yet?]
In particular, I want someone* to understand:
- That the State Department really does work for the Federal Government (as I explained before, dammit) even though they have “state” in their name;
- That “AL” and “LA” are two different states, despite an amazing similarity in letters;
- That when we want to remove a person off our email list, we need their email address, not their name and street address and “can’t you just look it up from that?”
- That {state name} Department of Agriculture is not the same as the US Department of Agriculture with an office in {state name}. And no, the Colorado Department of Agriculture will not forward mail to USDA employees in the Colorado because “they’re pretty much the same thing, right?”
- That when you ask someone how they spell their name, and they tell you, you need to write down the name the way they gave it to you, not the name you thought they were saying before you asked about spelling.
*And by “someone” I mean a particular coworker. In case you didn’t pick up on that.
