I disagree, Erik.

• Terijo could write a sultry, erotic poem that would have you get to the end before thinking, Wait! Was she talking about an umbrella?
• anna breslin could write, “Love Me Like a Broken Umbrella” and bring out the sexiness and the sadness of dealing with a busted bumbershoot. (Hope your left shoulder starts treating you better soon, dear lady!)
• Gutbloom could write an extemporaneous essay about the impact of umbrellas on Victorian sex life. There might or might not be any factual basis to back up any of it.
• Kris Gage could do an article with a broken umbrella as urban wall art. The article might or might not have anything to do with umbrellas (although there could be a motorcycle in there somewhere), but the article would be well-written and the illustration would be awesome.

And btw, Dennett, “x-rating”? Really? PG-13, worst case…