Happy birthday, dear lady! If you ever get tired of candles, you might be tempted to douse your cake with high-proof rum, frost it such that your birthday number (or “HAPPY BDAY JACK” — or whatever name you want to use) shows cake (IOW, the frosting covers parts you do not want to burn, leaving the message to shine through), then light it so that alcohol burns off in a pretty low-temperature flame that makes a marvelous display.

Or… you might discover that the flame warnings on high-proof rum are NOT marketing hype; that burning sugar smells bad; that you do not, in fact, have a cake cover that excludes oxygen and causes the flame to burn out, as you would have known if you had paused for a few seconds to realize that plastic cake covers were never meant for that purpose; that burning sugar and burning plastic smell VERY bad; and that dumping a burning object into the kitchen sink goes faster when you don’t have to clean out all the dirty dishes first. (The bathtub was upstairs. Past the smoke alarm. Which never went off, don’t ask me how.)

Hypothetically speaking, of course. #bachelorsshouldnotcelebratealone