Conversation with My Wife (214.4)

We just passed Ground Hog Day, time to finish off the Christmas catalogs!

Jack Herlocker
3 min readFeb 14, 2022


My wife and I read catalogs over our breakfast. Mostly because we can make fun of people who are not us with odd choices in what to do with money.

ME: Do you get sleep wrinkles, honey?

DEB: All the time. Why?

ME: Oh. There’s a $90 “sleep wrinkle reducing pillow” and I thought it sounded stupid.

DEB: Or — and maybe it’s just me—I get out of bed and stand up. Just not that hard. Oooh, here’s a t-shirt for retirement: “I want the job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.” That would just be weekends, right?

ME: You’re asking someone who is terrified of heights about skydiving? Sure, honey. “I wonder what the part of my brain that memorized phone numbers is doing nowadays?” In my case, something completely different, badly.

This should have been a smaller image off to the side. It is not. Request is in to Medium support to “restore the deprecated image placement features.”
This should have been a smaller image off to the side. It is not. I requested Medium support to “restore the deprecated image placement features.” They blew me off.

DEB: “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I thought you already knew.” Aren’t stupid people stupidly stupid?

ME: “I did not trip! The floor looked sad so I thought it needed a hug.” I should get that on a button I can wear…

DEB: “I hate when I go out in public and the public is there!” Ever since the pandemic started, really.

ME: Ah, then you would like: “MY GROCERY LIST: 1. Don’t run into anyone I know. 2. Eggs”

DEB: “My motto is NEVER SAY NEVER! (Which makes it difficult to say my motto.)”

ME: For some reason that reminds me of Mark Starlin. But not this: “PUBS. The official sunblock of Ireland.” Really, the whole British Isles, from all the mystery shows we watch.

So someone in Marketing said, “Hey, you know what would be a great seller? A fireplace screen that simulates the scene people had during fire season when they looked out their front door and saw the sky was on fire and their escape route cut off. We won’t be able to keep those puppies in stock, just wait!”

DEB: And Shetland, don’t forget. Here, “I never dreamed I’d grow up to be a Spoiled Wife. But here I am, killin’ it!” Thanks, Jackster!

ME: I do what I can, dear lady. “Theiyr’re — take that, grammar police!”

DEB: “Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl!” I wonder if any of our doggy parent friends can comment?

ME: “You make me want to be a better person. But we all know THAT isn’t going to happen.” Well, I like to think there’s still hope for me?

DEB: This sounds like you: “Cow farts come from the dairy air.”

ME: Oh, we’re going there? “People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest possible sentence.” Actually, that fits both of us.

DEB: As does, “A semicolon is NOT a medical condition.”

ME: Ending on a philosophical note: “What if those are not really stars in the sky? What if they are just holes… punched into a container so we can breathe?”

Today it’s a satirical t-shirt, tomorrow it’ll be on Martha Stewart’s website

Copyright ©2022 by Jack Herlocker. No, I am NOT going to tell you where you can get these—use DuckDuckGo. Tell them I sent you and you’ll get $10 off! (Don’t tell them, and get $20 off.)



Jack Herlocker

Husband & retiree. Developer, tech writer, & IT geek. I fill what’s empty, empty what’s full, and scratch where it itches. Occasionally do weird & goofy things.