Chat with Deb—Spring(?) Catalogs
“If you order now—Now, dammit, NOW!—you can have your order in time for Easter!”
Deb and I like to look through the junk catalogs we get in the mail. Then share with each other the humor (intentional, or sometimes not) we find.
ME: This is a cute t-shirt: “In banana years, I’M BREAD!”
DEB: But not quite mashable yet, Jackster. “LAUNDRY SCHEDULE: Wash — 40 minutes / Dry — 60 minutes / Put Away—7–10 Business Days”
ME: That’s more how I did my dishes in the dishwasher before you married me. “But I don’t want to go through things that don’t kill me make me stronger anymore!” Still some pandemic t-shirts on sale, apparently.
DEB: Okay, you know I’m not a puzzle person. Even ones with really cute photos or illustrations. But THIS one would drive anybody nuts: it’s clear acrylic, 176 pieces, with a pattern like a shattered window. That is EVIL!
ME: We could give it to our niece, maybe? Didn’t you say she likes to do puzzles when all the family women decamp to the shore for a girls’ weekend?… What?
DEB: Anyway… T-shirt: “People who worked 60-hour weeks used to be called ambitious. Now they’re called NURSES.” That would be good for [sister-in-law, a nurse]!
ME: Or Ann Litts, or Patsy Starke. Okay, Ann would just point out she’s retired, but still. “It’s hard to say what my friend does for a living. She sells seashells by the seashore.” Retail natural aquatic artwork?
DEB: “Just because I’m awake doesn’t mean I’m ready to do things.” But being a volunteer who doesn’t have to show up until nine AM makes it easier.
ME: Oh good lord, Toni Crowe wrote about how crazy gender reveal parties have gotten, but now there are gender reveal mugs. Add a hot beverage and it turns pink or light blue. For $27 each, plus shipping. “No need to order a special cake.” I gotta think a cake would cost less than $27 per serving, or am I just out of touch?
DEB: Couldn’t tell you, honey, I never get invited to those things. Oh, this is cute! They’re candles, but when they have been burning long enough that the wax turns transparent, you can see a hidden message on the bottom. Like, “You are the BEST mom!” or “Our memories and laughter will last a lifetime.” That’s sweet!
ME: But you can’t special-order a message? That’s too bad.
DEB: You’re thinking of a special romantic message for me?
ME: Um, sure. That would be cute, too. No, actually, I was thinking more I’d give it to a friend, tell them there’s an important message, then put, “They’re on to you, they know everything, RUN!” Just to see the reaction.
DEB: You know there’s a reason why most of your friends are virtual and online, right, Jackster?
Well, they’re the only ones who read my stuff!
