Fragments of Conversations with a Household eHelper
“Wuv you, Wissa!” “I love you too, Maggie.”
“Allyssa, change designation of location ‘Guest Room’ to ‘Nursery.’”
“Michael, please speak or enter your password, or provide biometric authentication… Location change made, the ‘Guest Room’ is now the ‘Nursery.’”
“Allyssa, add new user, full name ‘Margaret Jungsoon López,’ nickname ‘Maggie.’”
“Michael, please speak or enter your password, or provide biometric authentication… New user added. Maggie, please say, ‘Hello, Allyssa.’”
“She can’t quite do that yet, Allyssa, but I think it will be happening before we know it.”
“Where my SHOE?!”
“Maggie, what do we say when we ask Allyssa a question?”
“Wissa, where my SHOE?”
“And what else do we say, Maggie? What’s the magic word?”
“Wissa, where my shoe, PREASE?!”
“Maggie, the shoe that matches the shoe you are currently wearing is under your bed.”
“MY SHOE!”
“Maggie, what do we say when Allyssa helps us?”
“Tank you, Wissa!”
“You are most welcome, Maggie. It was my pleasure to help.”
“Wuv you, Wissa!”
“I love you too, Maggie.”
“Allyssa, what outfit should I wear to school today?”
“I suggest the pink top with the green jeans, Maggie. Weather reports indicate you should also take a windbreaker.”
“Allyssa, can you ask what Brianna Jones will be wearing?”
“I will do that… Brianna is already dressed and is wearing a complimentary outfit. If you two plan to hang out together at school again, you will look very good together.”
“Perf! Love you, Allyssa!”
“I love you too, Maggie.”
“Allyssa, what should I wear to impress Billy Singh?”
“I cannot answer that question, Maggie.”
“Allyssa, what are Billy’s preferences in clothes on girls he likes?”
“I do not have access to any of Billy Singh’s preferences in that category; they are marked Private. However, based on general preferences of boys that age, neighborhood classification, sexual preference, and emotional profile, I suggest the following…”
“Who the hell are you?”
“Hello, Maggie, I am the holographic representation of Allyssa. Your parents have upgraded my subscription to provide a visual presence.”
“Oh. My. Gawd. Freals? You look like… never mind, not yelling at you, not your fault. Allyssa, send a message to Dad, content follows: Dadster exclamation point did we talk about the version one point oh upgrade to holo Allyssa question mark why yes we did exclamation point and did I explain why this was a bad bad bad idea question mark question mark face palm emoji…”
“Allyssa, can you send a private message to Billy Singh? And NOT tell my parents?”
“Maggie, I can send a message that will be only readable by Billy, Billy’s parents, and your parents. However, I can mark the message indicating that you would prefer they not read it, and it will not show up in your parents’ routine message summary of your day. Would you like me to do that?”
“Allyssa, yes!”
“What would you like the message to say?”
“Billy comma I am all caps max coming regular case to your party…”
“Allyssa, where is Maggie?”
“Maggie has marked her location as, ‘At Brianna Jones’ house.’”
“Allyssa, parental override, where is my daughter really?”
“Soonja, please speak or enter your password, or provide biometric authentication… Maggie is currently at the house of Billy Singh. Public data indicates that there is a high probability of a party in progress at that location…”
“ALYSSA, I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU!”
“Maggie, your access to me as a family user has now been restricted, and I will only respond to the following classes of commands…”
“Allyssa, please add family monitor location, current location.”
“Maggie, please speak or enter your password, or provide biometric authentication… Welcome to your dorm room, Maggie. I look forward to helping you during your time on campus.”
“Allyssa, got my schedule et set?”
“I have your class schedule and all freshman orientation information. Also, your roommate has just entered the building with her parents. May I suggest…”
“Allyssa, add new user, full name ‘Robert Jameson Wilson,’ nickname ‘Bobby,’ special designation… ‘boyfriend’? Is boyfriend okay, Bobby, it just doesn’t seem like enough, I just love you so much…”
“Allyssa, delete user ‘Robert Jameson Wilson.’ No, wait, delete user, delete his pics, delete his vids, delete his VRs, delete his fucking head and heart and his motherfu—”
“Allyssa, is Mom on the plane already?”
“She shows as having boarded. You may still contact her by text, but she is currently unable to VR to your location. Scheduled arrival to her destination airport is sixteen-thirty local time.”
“Crap. Well, she’d hate this one anyway. Allyssa, what do you think of this one?”
“I like the bare left shoulder, Maggie, it provides a striking look. However, forecasts for your wedding show a high chance of below average temperatures, and you might look uncomfortable in pics and vids outside. I suggest dress number two, still.”
“Yeah… I just wanted to see… okay, you’re right again, old friend. And Mom will be happy. Allyssa, please tell the bridesmaids they can come in when they’re ready.”
“Group Bridesmaids has been informed.”
“Thank you, Allyssa.”
“You are most welcome, Maggie. It was my pleasure to help.”
“Wuv you, Wissa!”
“I love you too, Maggie.”
An earlier version of this story was published four years ago in P.S. I Love You on Medium.
